Day to Day
by arianna99
Summary: Moments in a relationship that mean something. AU in the sense that it's undefined futurefic where Elizabeth and Carson are still around, because I haven't seen the episodes without them. McKay/Sheppard slash.


Day to day, where do you want to be

Day to Day

Author: Meeee

Pairing: McKay/Sheppard

Rating: PG-13 to R, not entirely sure, some swearing

Disclaimer: Yes, this is mine, and, to quote Dorothy Parker, I am Marie of Romania.

Spoilers: Blink-and-you'll-miss-it references to Grace Under Pressure, the Siege, the Defiant One, but in essence it's AU in the universe where Carson and Elizabeth are still around and there is no Katie Brown, because I've only gotten to the beginning of Season two and I can't write Carter to save my life

Summary: _It was about then that Rodney got the point. More like, it was about then that the point got firmly hammered into Rodney's skull with something very, very hard_

A/N: First foray into SGA fic. I probably wouldn't have, either, but frustration + plotbunnies… well. Snippets of song lyrics all over the place due to inspirational qualities for me, in my head a part one of several, but it depends on if anyone thinks it's any good or not

_Da__y to day, where do you want to be?_

_Cause now you're tryin' to pick a fight_

_With everyone you need_

_You seem like a soldier_

_Who's lost his composure_

_You're wounded and play a waiting game_

_In no-man's land no one's to blame_

John refused to enter the desert planet. The one with the archaic laws. The one that needed protection and help from Atlantis. In exchange for energy sources.

Elizabeth was very upset at him. "John," she kept saying in that excruciatingly patient tone of voice. "These people need us. You know that. What's so bad about going?"

And John just stared at her and said, "I've sent teams over. They're all doing it. What do you need me for?" and sprawled out on his chair in a deliberately provoking position.

"You're our military leader. If we don't show them proper respect, they'll think we're not taking them seriously. This is a diplomatic thing, you have to follow my lead there."

He stood. "No. And that's final."

-

Carson unsubtly neared the topic as well, but John cut him off harshly before he got anywhere. "I said no, I meant no, and you can tell Elizabeth that sending lackeys won't change my mind."

Lorne didn't ask, being a good officer, but he sent questioning looks at John's tense body posture and obstinate silence when he thought he wasn't looking. Finally, John looked up and said, "It's just a routine thing. I don't get why you're making such a big fuss about it. I'm not stopping it, but I'm not needed and I don't want to go."

Briefly, Elizabeth considered consulting Heightmeyer, but that seemed a bit harsh at this stage.

In the end, she resorted to final measures. She went to Rodney. "I know you're not very good at tact, Rodney," she said, leaning on his desk as he worked. "No," Radek called from the whiteboard, where he was scribbling a few dozen equations that meant absolutely nothing to Elizabeth. "Next you'll tell me we _actually live in a floating city." _She shot him a glare and continued. "But do you think you could have a word with John about going to that planet? With the desert? I don't mean to bug, but their society demands being introduced to the leaders."

"No," Rodney said, without looking up.

Thrown over for a moment (she'd expected snark, she'd expected him to demand something in return, but she hadn't expected point blank refusal), she needed to regroup briefly before continuing brightly. "Is that some sort of joke? Did he put you up to it? Bribe you or something?"

"No," Rodney said again, "He didn't need to. Unlike what Mr. Sarcasm over there- and by the way the fifth equation down is missing a number- seems to think, I do occasionally know other people. Seriously, you need to let it go. Sure, he'd make it easier, but it's not really necessary and it's just not something you can ask of him."

Momentary silence. Rodney leaned over to grab another paper from behind him. "Am I missing something here?" Elizabeth asked him.

At long last, Rodney looked at her. "Hello? Afghanistan? Place with sand and a population in need of help and rebuilding in exchange for energy?"

"Hadn't thought of that. But…so what?"

"You don't know what happened there?"

"John disobeyed a direct order to save three people and got a black mark."

"Yes, and the first world war started because Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. Come on, Elizabeth, what about the rest?" And he was back to his work, scribbling in the margins of whatever he was reading.

"Rodney," she said in her best no-nonsense voice. "What are you talking about?"

He sighed and leaned back in his chair, facing her properly. His eyes widened when he saw her expression. "You don't know," he said. "You really don't know. You…you seriously don't know."

"I would if you'd get on with it and tell me," she snapped, patience wearing thin. It was almost enough to make her believe they'd all been right in the first place and the whole thing was more trouble than it was worth.

"I…I don't think it's my place to, if John hasn't," Rodney said after a pause, and that really nailed it in for Elizabeth that this was serious.

After that, she went straight to Rodney if there was a problem with John.

_From the moment the lights went out_

_Everything had changed_

_Lie awake in an empty room_

_In my head it all feels the same_

It was about then that Rodney got the point. More like, it was about then that the point got firmly hammered into Rodney's skull with something very, very hard. He wasn't exactly friends with John and John wasn't exactly friends with him. In fact, he was pretty sure they were heading in a direction very far away from friendship.

John had told him something he hadn't told anyone else. Trusted him. And it hadn't even for a fraction of a second occurred to him to break that confidence, not even for Elizabeth. That was…not normal. Not right. Not the way Rodney operated. If it wasn't a big government secret or his own secret, he didn't generally give a crap. But John's secret? None of anyone else's business.

Lying back against the too narrow ancient bed, Rodney tried to organize his thoughts.

One- John told him secrets

Two- He felt strangely protective of those secrets

Three- He had told John secrets, come to think of it

Four- John hadn't told his secrets, but that may just have been John's innately nontalkative nature

Five- John was basically the best friend he had never had. He had a decent grasp of basic physics, an extremely good grasp of Science Fiction, and he even seemed to like Rodney most of the time.

Six- He had come to rely on John like he relied on immovable things (radius times pi equals area; sine and cosine are always between zero and one; John)

Seven- He had actually thought about it. John was insanely attractive for a man nearing forty. He had attributed that to the general horniness of being at a military base.

So all in all, he was pretty sure he was in love with John Sheppard.

…huh. He'd thought that would surprise him more. It was the sort of thing subconscious-Sam could have clued him in on in the jumper, since he'd obviously already known.

Rodney was many things, but a coward was not one of them. Maybe, once, he had been. Not anymore. He ran out and faced an indestructible wraith of his own free will (For John. Huh. That long, already?), and this seemed a remarkably small risk in comparison, especially given the fact that they were routinely exposed to near-death situations. Also, when he was this confused…he went and talked to John.

He got up and walked the familiar winding passages to John's room, pounded on the door, and when John answered it, he said, "Hi. I just realized I'm in love with you."

And only then did he realize that you couldn't really compare love with fighting the wraith, because while both could be equally painful, they were so in completely different ways.

_Reborn and shivering_

_Spat out on new terrain_

_Unsure, unconvincing_

_This faint and shaky hour_

They stared at each other in silence for a moment. "Come in," John said quietly, "I think I need a minute to get that. You did just say what I thought you said, right?"

Rodney nodded tensely, sat slowly on the only chair in the room. John put his head between his hands and seemed to spend a few minutes thinking.

When he looked up, his face was unreadable. Not that Rodney had ever read John with particular ease. "I'm kind of…not surprised." He said. "Strangely, neither am I." Rodney said. "I should be freaking out. But I think I kind of always knew."

Again, they stared at each other, until Rodney cracked and looked away. "Sorry. I'll…just go, okay?"

And for a second he thought his ears were kidding him when John said, "No, you idiot," and surprisingly soft fingers touched his cheek and chapped lips met his. And ordinarily, he'd take umbrage at being called an idiot, because he _wasn't, _but right now he could only stare at John, then snake his hand behind John's neck and pull him in for another kiss, pointedly not thinking about the bright, sharp feeling sitting in his chest, making him feel giddy and delirious.

_Who knows how much further we'll go on?_

_Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone_

_I'll take my chances_

_I forgot how nice romance is_

_I haven't been there for the longest time_

Rodney wasn't the one who freaked out.

Ironic, John thought dully, sitting upright on the tiny bed in the dark room, Johnny Cash waving his guitar behind him, Rodney's breath blowing slowly and evenly over his chest. Between the two of them, Rodney was the one who freaked out. John was the stoic soldier, firm in stance and unshakeable in poise.

But then. Rodney, when he figured out he was falling in love with his best friend, did not run around Atlantis with Ronon till his legs felt like rubber and let himself get beat up by Teyla till Carson intervened in an effort to ignore it. Rodney had just walked up to him and told him.

John closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. The world, it seemed, was conspiring to remind him of Afghanistan. Falling for one of the guys on his team, the first, breathless moments of it, kisses in the dark and muffled laughter.

Each mission getting harder and harder because he wanted, needed to protect his lover and wasn't allowed, and because his lover was supposed to take care of himself…

The kidnapping, going frantic, mad, out of his skull, ignoring all orders to get them out of there, saving three but losing him.

Months afterwards of emptiness and military procedures sticking him in Antarctica. Not caring at all about any of it.

"Hey," a voice said, softer and lower than he'd heard it before, probably from sleep. "'s wrong?"

"Just…remembering," John answered, throat closing up on him of its own accord.

"The guy you were talking about, when you told me about Afghanistan. The one you couldn't save. He was your lover, right?" Rodney propped himself up to look John in the eye properly.

John nodded, for one blinding second wishing he was Rodney, wishing he had that ability to connect things at snap, to realize the importance of everything, to understand it all and simply take it for what it was.

"There's a difference, you know," Rodney said, flicking a tear absently off John's cheek. "First of all, I'm not him. If I get kidnapped, all of Atlantis will bust their collective asses to get me back." And coming from anyone else, that would be utterly insulting, the assumption they were more important than a past lover, but…not from him. John had a strange understanding for that particular facet of Rodney's personality. The only thing he'd had to rely on was his intelligence. It was his greatest quality and the most important thing in his life, and he'd worked to make it matter to everyone else as well.

"And besides that, John…How long ago was that? Four years? That can't be all. People say 'it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' for a reason."

John looked at him, face half in the shadows, the Rodney McKay he'd always known was there, the one who did actually have a deeper understanding of human nature, just deep enough that it made him uncomfortable around them. "Just…" Rodney cupped his face, leaned their foreheads together, searching for the words. "I don't know how it works for you," he said at length. "I know that for me, if you decide you don't want this, it won't make me love you any less, and it won't make it hurt any less if something happens to you. And I know that if I have good memories of you, of the two of us together, it might just make everything more bearable."

And no wonder Rodney was so broken, if he put his heart in another person's hand that easily, but it didn't matter, not at all, because John was broken too, and maybe, just maybe they could heal each other a little bit. John snaked his arms around Rodney, kissed him for all he was worth, slowly and softly, something to be cherished. Rodney was right; no big surprise, he was the genius, after all.

_Here I go, I'm shaking just like the reeds_

_Hey babe, I need your hand to steady me_

_I'm not denying, I'm frightened just as much as you_

_Though I'm barely touching you_

_I've shivers down my spine_

_And it feels divine_

John had come across the phrase 'honeymoon period' many times before. It was part of the veritable garden of metaphors soldiers used for dating, one of the ones he could actually bear listening to people talk about because it wasn't vulgar and it wasn't anything to do with baseball. He actually sort of liked the idea, a grace period in any relationship before things got difficult. And yes, that was possibly the most twisted and bitter way possible to think of it, but thus far, all of John's relationships had basically gone to shit sometime after the end of the grace period. It just lasted longer sometimes.

Rodney, of course, did things differently.

It was different than any relationship ever, solely based on the fact that they were in another galaxy in a completely different atmosphere. Different, then, in the fact that publicly, nothing had changed, nothing could change, because he was still military and they were both still men. And different in the way it felt. Every other relationship John could speak of experience from had felt like a concession, a reward for a job well done. This was more like a gift, unasked for and unexpected, but to be cherished. John found himself hyperaware of Rodney as a whole, of every move he made, every word he said, had to control himself not to touch him, stealing sly glances at Rodney and seeing shy smiles he'd never known Rodney had touch the corner of his lips every time Rodney caught him.

It was a good thing, in retrospect, that they had always been at each others throats, bickering like an old married couple (and if that didn't spark either of their commitment issues, nothing would), because now, when they sought out each others company, bickered about absolutely everything, it wasn't at all out of the ordinary. John wasn't sure whether he should interpret that as A) He'd always been in love with Rodney, or B) everyone else was just kind of stupid.

Rodney, of course, tended to the latter.

He was easier though, John discovered, more relaxed and comfortable in his own skin, and it was probably a good thing no one else could know, because John could just hear Zelenka saying, "If I knew regular sex made you more agreeable, I'd have offered months ago," and that sparked jealousy strands he hadn't known he had.

And once the yelling and the shouting and Rodney talking five miles per second and him going, "_Rodney, _get on with it," was over, and the sun had set, there was peace and quiet and nothing between the two of them. John was pretty sure the last time he'd had something like this, he'd gotten married a few months later.

_You've already won me over in spite of me_

_Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet_

_Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are_

_I couldn't help it, it's all your fault_

"There are just things about humanity you're not supposed to get," Rodney said, lying with his head next to John's on the pillow, their bodies intertwined close enough to feel every square inch. That was only partly hedonism; any other way and they'd fall off the bed.

They were going through a list of every sacrificial ceremony they'd come across so far- many, it turned out. He'd long since forgotten how they'd gotten on the topic, and was too sleepy and content to care. "Like what?" He asked. "I get ritual sacrifice."

"I don't," Rodney said. "Or rather, I get the theory, but it still makes no sense. A lot of things are like that."

"Well, like what?"

"Mmm…" It was hardly a noise, and if they hadn't practically been lying on top of each other, John probably wouldn't have heard it, but he could feel the vibration of it in Rodney's stomach, and it made him unaccountable happy. "Artificial strawberry ice cream," Rodney told him, turning to look at him, and his hair was really surprisingly soft. "The real stuff, that actually involves strawberries, good. Great, even. But the gelatine? The fake sweetness? That is not what strawberries are supposed to be like."

"Says the man who eats the jello we get in the mess without even thinking about it?"

"There's a difference. Jello is just a dessert. Ice cream is so much more."

"Point."

Not long after, they drifted off into contented sleep. Having someone else there with him helped with the nightmares, John had discovered. Not surprising, really. Of course, some mornings there were mad scrambles to get dressed and to make sure everyone had the right radio when they ran into the control room for some emergency or other, but on the whole, John was hard put to remember a time he'd felt happier.

_These chords are old, but we shake hands_

_Cause I believe that they're the good guys_

_We can use all the help we can_

_So many minor chords outside_

_I fell in love with the sound_

_Oh, I love to sing along with you_

Then there was M3X-171, the planet with the snowstorm (and that was a sucker-punch to the gut, Ford in his baseball cap going, "The waterfalls. See, now, why don't we just call it Planet Waterfall? What? I say we should just give 'em names!"), them, Teyla, Ronon, Carson and Lorne trapped in a tiny hut, and, having notified Atlantis, just sitting it out as the weather raged around them, shivering, there was no heat anywhere, and thank God for small mercies they had gotten in before anyone got soaked.

Teyla and Ronon were too tough to mind the cold- and seriously, John hadn't been thinking about his ego at all when he asked them to join the team- and Lorne was sitting in the corner looking sour. Carson's teeth were chattering and he was talking about how Scotland had never gotten quite this cold, ever. And John was just depressed that apparently he was more used to Afghanistan's temperatures than Antarctica's.

Rodney was red-cheeked and smiling, a smile John had only ever seen in private thus far, and he'd have been quite content to just keep staring at it. "McKay?" Ronon said eventually, in that deep tone of his, and you could never be quite sure whether he was threatening you or simply amused by your very existence. "What's so funny?"

"Hm?" Rodney said, vaguely distracted, and then, "Oh, sorry. This- it just reminds me of home." And there was another sucker-punch, but not in the sense of pain. It just took John's breath away, because _home, _that smile on Rodney's face meant _home, _and he'd seen it a thousand times, and suddenly things sort of glided into place; this was right, this was home and good, and John knew he'd have a hell of a time giving it up _ever. _

Unaware of his personal epiphany, Teyla did that thing where she tilted her head a bit to the side, just enough to make her hair swing, in the way that clearly said, _seriously? You people are _that _weird? _and asked, "Your home was subject to snowstorms?"

Rodney let out a little huff of amusement. "No, not really. I lived in a very snowy country." He looked pensive for a moment, then went on, his eyes darting over to meet John's for a second. "One of the only nice memories I have of my family is a holiday way up north. We got snowed in one night and spent all day digging ourselves out. There was hot chocolate and all those nice family things…" His smile took a twist for the bitter, and when John was certain the others weren't looking, he shifted just the tiniest bit, let a little bit of his skin touch Rodney's, to put himself in contact with Rodney, to reassure him.

The silence was almost uncomfortable for a few seconds, before Carson said, "Maybe we should check in the back if there's any more food."

There was a little room to the back where they'd stashed their gear and wet jackets, and the light was a bit too dim to properly see, but of course Ronon had night vision, and he came back with a tin of beans, salted meat that may or may not have been suspicious, a bottle of something vaguely alcoholic, and a guitar. "What's this?" he asked, holding it up.

"Guitar. String instrument? Widely popular in our galaxy. Sheppard plays. Although you do wonder, what with the giant Johnny Cash poster, whether he's any good…" Rodney trailed off when John glared at him, but Lorne was hiding a smirk.

A few hours later, when everyone had imbibed just enough of the alcohol, Teyla gave John the earnest look and asked, "Will you play for us?" which just set everyone else off. John'd always been henpecked easily.

He took the guitar in his hands, turned to Rodney and said, "I'm not doing this alone," and Rodney blanched and said, "No. Please no. There's a reason I'm an astrophysicist." But John gave his best puppy-dog eyes and Rodney sighed, and John remembered a few weeks ago when he heard Rodney sing for the first time, bits and pieces of Elton John as he came out from the bathroom, John wondering why he'd never known Rodney could do that.

He started playing, and Rodney rolled his eyes skywards (if they could actually see the sky, that is) and sang, reluctantly, but still, _Come out, Virginia, don't let me wait…_

John joined him at '_I might as well be the one,' _though his voice wasn't half as melodic as Rodney's, but they still sounded quite good together. Before long, they were both grinning uncontrollably as they belted out the well-known lyrics, because it was just so silly.

Lorne had finally started smiling. He and Carson were both obviously enjoying this, Carson tapping his fingers to the rhythm, and by the end of the song, they were both clapping, as was Teyla, whose face had crinkled into a wide smile. Ronon looked more tickled at their earth ways than anything else, but every culture has music, and his body posture was more relaxed than it was before.

As John hit the last chord- he was rusty, but still pretty good- his eye met Rodney's, and they couldn't help themselves and collapsed into laughter. Lorne seemed to have been waiting for an excuse to start himself.

Eventually, they all fell asleep, John still mulling over the vague distinctions of home and family, and how he'd not felt this comfortable among people since Afghanistan- hell, since high school.

Of course, that was before it all went to hell.

_Here we go for the hundredth time_

_Hand grenade pins in every line_

_Throw 'em up and let something shine_

_Going out of my fucking mind_

When they woke up, the snow had all melted. Apparently it was one of those planets with crazy temperature shifts, closer to their sun or orbiting faster than Earth. Also, apparently, the inhabitants woke up in the sun. The day before it had seemed completely empty.

They lived underground, and came up through some sort of tunnel system, running low against the ground like you saw in documentaries of ancient hunting tribes. Only that hunting tribes didn't have claws or pointed teeth, and hunting tribes didn't have Wraith envoys parked with them.

The second they left the hut, they were under attack, and it was only sheer luck that Atlantis had sent out a jumper just then (why had they chosen to walk in the first place? That really hadn't been the best idea…only that the weather conditions were no good for flying. Yesterday), and it was happening once again, the crazy adrenaline spikes and the shooting and the flying in dangerous loops, and the realization that the Wraith had allies, allies who had weapons resources, judging by all the shooting, and were quite obviously homicidal.

John looked over to Rodney and saw that the grace period was undeniably over, because this was where things got hard.

_Everything I can't be_

_Is everything you should be_

_And that's why I need you here_

Days of staying awake on coffee and drugs and desperately searching for a way out. Pooling all information that they had, frantically searching the database, fending off attack only by virtue of the shield, all the while remembering that the ancients had probably had about ten ZPMs more and still had had to vacate the city.

The mission up in a cloaked jumper, Rodney, Miko and Stackhouse getting pulled into one of the ships overhead and being held at ransom. Give us the stargate to the earth or we'll kill them.

We can't, Elizabeth had said, no three people were more important than the whole world.

John stared at her, eyes unreadable. In truth, he'd lost it the second Rodney was gone. It was Afghanistan all over again, only with less sand and more power for him. "Don't you get it?" he asked dully, "if we don't agree they'll just torture the earth's coordinates out of them. It's a lose-lose situation unless we get a third option."

"Like what?" She answered, face pinched and tired.

He needed Rodney. Needed him like the air he breathed, not only for himself but also for the mission, needed him for the crazy plans the haphazard, never-tried-before-but-it-might-as-well-work science, and every second he was gone made John that much more desperate to get him back. Zelenka was well and good but he didn't have Rodney's sharp tongue or beautiful voice, and he didn't go panicky, he got cranky, he didn't boss everyone around in a way so familiar no one cared anymore, and he wasn't always warm, even in the middle of winter, when you woke up next to him and John hadn't slept in too long.

Desperation breeds creativity though, and before long, he had a crazy plan of the sort Rodney would be proud, and he hardly heard about a dozen people telling him how unlikely he was to succeed, because without Rodney he'd have no chance ever, and he knew that, so what if it'd only been a few months? He knew his own mind, and he knew Atlantis. Neither of them could lose Rodney.

_Now nothin' can take you away from me  
We've been down that road before  
But that's over now  
You keep me comin' back for more_

By the time he had landed the jumper in the bay, the ships had all vanished. They had decided never to do it again, true, but they'd been certain this time. He and Zelenka had used the bridge between dimensions to one that was definitely uninhabited, and just pushed it all through. That was as far as John understood the process; there was probably a hell of a lot more, but he couldn't care less. Because the Daedalus had been there, with its handy teleportation device, and all going well, they should…

Without waiting for anything, still running high on the adrenaline, though he knew he'd crash sooner rather than later, John raced towards the control room. It was a bustle of noise and commotion and post-crisis clean-up, but John felt strangely deaf, looking around the room for the one face he needed to see most of all right now.

And there he was, Carson fussing around him, asking him to get on the stretcher and come to the medical bay because he may have all kinds of things, he looked pale and drawn and thinner than when he'd left, but then their eyes met and an ethereal look crossed Rodney's face as they walked towards each other, Rodney shaking off Carson almost without noticing.

"You could have died," Rodney whispered.

"So could you," John answered, about as unsteadily as he felt.

"You…you could have been sucked into the other dimension. Why…not worth it." Rodney was staring at him, looking like he was scared by the strength of their feelings for each other. Not unreasonably. John was terrified himself.

"I couldn't lose you," he answered, and in the next second, almost without thinking about it, they were kissing, hard and desperate, pulling each other close to prove by touch they had both survived.

When they came up for air, the entire room had gone silent. Carson, who had been close enough to hear the whole thing, looked like he had tears in his eyes. Elizabeth was staring at them in open-mouthed shock. Both Zelenka and Lorne looked like they were thinking, _That is both incredibly interesting and mildly unimaginable. _Teyla and Ronon seemed wholly unsurprised.

Only then did John notice Rodney was shivering. He was going into shock. "Come on," he said, "Let's get you to the infirmary." He guided Rodney over to the stretcher and helped him to lie down, never letting go of him. And hey, who was to say it was the end of the grace period, because people were wolf-whistling now, and clapping, and Rodney was giving him the biggest smile he'd ever seen, and really, everything was alright, better, even, because it was them, and they'd pulled through, and they would always pull through.

Just for reference: Songs used, chronological order

See the World – Gomez

Back at Your Door- Maroon 5

Not as We- Alanis Morissette

The Longest Time- Billy Joel

Show Me Heaven- Maria McKee

Head over Feet- Alanis Morissette

Good Man- Josh Ritter

Only the Good Die Young- Billy Joel

Bleed it Out- Linkin Park

Come Home- OneRepublic

Heaven- John Barrowman (Actually that's a cover but I can't be arsed to find the original)


End file.
